I remember what it’s like in Your presence. The memories are faint, but withstanding. Lord, help me want You more than my fears allow.
Withstanding
Resulted Identity
So much of the person I am today was made from the wreckage I won’t let go of. It’s become louder than my own voice.
I try to be accepted because I was rejected.
I try to be loud because I was invisible.
I try to be memorable because I was forgotten.
I try to be strong because I was vulnerable.
I try to be perfect because I was not enough.
There is an emptiness that this world not only cannot fill, but one that it also creates. I reflect the heartbreak of sin.
Deep down, beyond this identity, there’s a lost girl still trying to figure out who she was before you.
Firmly Planted
Every year (for the last four) I have chosen a new word to make my focus for the upcoming months. This year my word was ROOTED, and as each day passes the Lord is faithful to teach me more and more. I’m learning that it truly matters where you send your roots. Partially my roots still reside in the soil of years ago. A dehydrated and vacant place, able to offer no new growth or life.
But every day, God is eager to give you the strength to move on and grow roots somewhere lasting, somewhere beyond a world that’s passing.
Singing Your Love Song
I’m remembering your song again.
It’s the only song I know by heart and cannot seem to sing.
Phantom Fantasy
To the man I’ve loved while single.
To the one who’s held my heart and never my hand.
To the person that does not exist beyond the walls of my memory.
I’m dating my fantasy. Lost in the idea of what should have been. Unable to see what still can be.
Look forward, wounded dreamer. Your future is not found within your imagination.
Look up, humbled heart. Your journey is full of wonder yet.
Time to break free from your memory.
Getting Smaller
You made my world feel so big.
It was endless and full of hope. Big enough to hold dreams I could not have imagined. Something that held mysteries still to be explored.
I loved it. And I loved you for it.
You kept my eyes open and full of wonder. My feet were unsure, yet I danced with excitement for the future.
But I miss you, and the horizon is nearer, my world smaller.
My vision gets cloudy. My passion wanes. I can no longer imagine beyond what I see. Fear reigns in my dreams.
Open my eyes once again, to a new Love.
She is clothed with strength and dignity,
and she laughs without fear of the future.
Proverbs 31:25
Newfound
His love is like something I had forgotten to be possible.
But his grace and patience are like something I have never known.
When I’m Not
When I’m not,
you sit with me.
When I’m not,
there is still peace.
Cause when I’m not,
You will always be.
Image: My Lake – May 2016
Afriad to Doubt
Do you know what doubt costs? Do you know what it steals?
That little voice inside your head is slowing you.
What is it saying and what are you afraid to believe?
I think if we knew what doubt cost, we’d be afraid of that instead.
Frozen in Time
Have you even been so in love, that when it ends your heart just keeps going? It stops beating, drops and bruises on the brutal floor below, …but it doesn’t cease to be in love.
I dated a man for five years. Fell in love and planned my world with him at the center. As life sometimes does, it had other plans and we broke up. It’s been five years since that break-up — down to the day actually — and now I’ve officially been without him longer than we were together.
As the days drug on and on, never progressing, suddenly it’s 2016.
There has never been another boyfriend.
Never been another love.
My heart was frozen in time and memory.
And yesterday that was ok with me. Letting that part of me die and remain behind seemed the only way to cope with the new life without him. It kept the fears and pangs at bay.
But today I realized that leaving them behind is to leave one’s self behind too. The truth is: you don’t leave pain or fear in the past, you only leave the desire to fight against them. (Let’s face it: you fought against them before and they ravaged your life so why would you ever want to face them again???) So you accept your fate and move on, but now with less strength to face those foes. So when something comes against you, you move aside, face the other direction, or pickup a distraction. Anything to avoid a foe you now call master.
It becomes increasingly harder to dream. Harder to grow. Those actions would be in direct conflict with the one you now serve … so you move aside, face the other direction, or pickup a distraction. And so day in and day out you find new ways to avoid dreams and mute the discontentment within yourself.
But I pray for you and for me, that we find the strength to live in today’s excitements and not yesterday’s fears. That we choose to serve God, the loving Father, and not Fear, our ravaging master.
“No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or else he will be loyal to the one and despise the other.”
Matthew 6:24a
So decide for yourself which you want to serve and which you want to hate: God or fear?