from mine to yours
Heartbreak is the call that always brings me closer,
the teacher that always speaks the loudest,
the message that always sticks the longest.
But heartbreak bears no fruit until the healing.
“And you shall remember that the Lord your God led you all the way these forty years in the wilderness, to humble you and test you, to know what was in your heart …” – Deuteronomy 8:2 NKJV
Image: My Journal – June 15, 2017
So many choices to make. So many things I’m still unsure of. I keep asking people for advice and help, yet every time — their responses never answer and — empty I walk away.
Because I’m asking them for answers to questions You’ve never let them hear.
They know my words, but my question has been veiled. You keep it from them knowing an answer weighs more depending on the source. You want to be both my Answerer and my Answer.
“So the Lord said to him, “Who has made man’s mouth? Or who makes the mute, the deaf, the seeing, or the blind? Have not I, the Lord?” – Exodus 4:11 NKJV
“They have ears, but they do not hear..” (speaking of idols) – Psalm 135:17 NKJV
“To You I will cry, O Lord my Rock: Do not be silent to me, Lest, if You are silent to me, I become like those who go down to the pit.”- Psalm 28:1 NKJV
Image: Powell’s Bookstore in Portland, OR – May 13, 2017
This is the best of all days
so I should not look back and wish for what You’ve taken away
lest it rob me of what You’ve given today.
“This is the day the Lord has made; We will rejoice and be glad in it.” – Psalm 118:24 NKJV
Image: My Calendar – May 2017
All I could repeat was, “I miss him” over and over again, hoping it’d calm me down as I rocked myself out of hysterics. But the sadness didn’t relent and I was no less alone.
It was then I heard You whisper, “Do you really miss him?”
How expected and innocent it is to miss someone that has gone away. But as I pondered, the obvious answer left me and You brought truth to shed light on my feelings. What I felt was not innocent at all. It was destroying my joy and occupying my time. It wasn’t a simple emotion or even a feeling of loss, but rather lies manifesting in hidden places that — without His whisper — would have otherwise gone unsearched.
Be careful little heart that you are not deceived by lies that seek to kill and destroy. These lies say you’re not enough, people will always leave, and your desires aren’t relevant. They speak and I think, “I miss him” because he was my favorite distraction from the lies I can no longer avoid.
“Cause me to hear Your lovingkindness in the morning, For in You do I trust; Cause me to know the way in which I should walk, For I lift up my soul to You.” – Psalm 143:8 NKJV
Image: Camping at Dupuis in Indiantown, FL – March 2016
I am paralyzed by the circumstances that surround me right now. They weaken my hands and break my heart. And whether or not I will survive hinges on the answer to one question: Is this Your doing?
If You’re doing this, I know You strengthen my hands.
If You’re doing this, I know You heal my heart.
If You’re doing this, I know You carry me through.
If You’re doing this, I know You never forsake me.
If You’re doing this, I know You have only the best in store.
If You’re doing this, there is joy amidst the pain.
When 2017 called for a new word, You answered: “be brave.” It was then I knew heartache was coming, but You would build me up to not be moved in its wake. So give me faith to stand on as these waves crash into my heart each day.
Crying on my glasses. Hearts broken. Missing him and the whispers of kindness he brought. How he seemed to silence fears. But now I know they were never defeated at all.
I’ve never noticed the number of scars before, but I have many. My heart was not left in one piece when you walked away. Perhaps it will never be quite the same again. But I’m proud of each scar. And I’m proud of loving you. I’m proud of who you were and who you are.
Love me or forget me, I’ll always be a part of you.
Love me or forget me, I’ll always be proud of you.
Climbing higher and higher into the night sky. Looking down to see the lights of the latest city fade into darkness as my neighbors also fade to sleep.
No matter where you are leaving from, you always leave a part of yourself on the runway.
No matter where you are going to, at a certain height we all look alike.
Image: Plane ride home from Uruguay – April 2017
Is it braver to stay, or to leave?