Writings

I Don’t Miss You

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All I could repeat was, “I miss him” over and over again, hoping it’d calm me down as I rocked myself out of hysterics. But the sadness didn’t relent and I was no less alone.

It was then I heard You whisper, “Do you really miss him?”

How expected and innocent it is to miss someone that has gone away. But as I pondered, the obvious answer left me and You brought truth to shed light on my feelings. What I felt was not innocent at all. It was destroying my joy and occupying my time. It wasn’t a simple emotion or even a feeling of loss, but rather lies manifesting in hidden places that — without His whisper — would have otherwise gone unsearched.

Be careful little heart that you are not deceived by lies that seek to kill and destroy. These lies say you’re not enough, people will always leave, and your desires aren’t relevant. They speak and I think, “I miss him” because he was my favorite distraction from the lies I can no longer avoid.

“Cause me to hear Your lovingkindness in the morning, For in You do I trust; Cause me to know the way in which I should walk, For I lift up my soul to You.” – Psalm 143:8 NKJV

Image: Camping at Dupuis in Indiantown, FL – March 2016

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Writings

Afriad to Doubt

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Do you know what doubt costs? Do you know what it steals?

That little voice inside your head is slowing you.

What is it saying and what are you afraid to believe?

I think if we knew what doubt cost, we’d be afraid of that instead.

 

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Writings

Frozen in Time

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Have you even been so in love, that when it ends your heart just keeps going? It stops beating, drops and bruises on the brutal floor below, …but it doesn’t cease to be in love.

I dated a man for five years. Fell in love and planned my world with him at the center. As life sometimes does, it had other plans and we broke up. It’s been five years since that break-up — down to the day actually — and now I’ve officially been without him longer than we were together.

As the days drug on and on, never progressing, suddenly it’s 2016.
There has never been another boyfriend.
Never been another love.
My heart was frozen in time and memory.

And yesterday that was ok with me. Letting that part of me die and remain behind seemed the only way to cope with the new life without him. It kept the fears and pangs at bay.

But today I realized that leaving them behind is to leave one’s self behind too. The truth is: you don’t leave pain or fear in the past, you only leave the desire to fight against them. (Let’s face it: you fought against them before and they ravaged your life so why would you ever want to face them again???) So you accept your fate and move on, but now with less strength to face those foes. So when something comes against you, you move aside, face the other direction, or pickup a distraction. Anything to avoid a foe you now call master.

It becomes increasingly harder to dream. Harder to grow. Those actions would be in direct conflict with the one you now serve … so you move aside, face the other direction, or pickup a distraction. And so day in and day out you find new ways to avoid dreams and mute the discontentment within yourself.

But I pray for you and for me, that we find the strength to live in today’s excitements and not yesterday’s fears. That we choose to serve God, the loving Father, and not Fear, our ravaging master.

“No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or else he will be loyal to the one and despise the other.”
Matthew 6:24a

So decide for yourself which you want to serve and which you want to hate: God or fear?

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