I remember what it’s like in Your presence. The memories are faint, but withstanding. Lord, help me want You more than my fears allow.
Withstanding
Resulted Identity
So much of the person I am today was made from the wreckage I won’t let go of. It’s become louder than my own voice.
I try to be accepted because I was rejected.
I try to be loud because I was invisible.
I try to be memorable because I was forgotten.
I try to be strong because I was vulnerable.
I try to be perfect because I was not enough.
There is an emptiness that this world not only cannot fill, but one that it also creates. I reflect the heartbreak of sin.
Deep down, beyond this identity, there’s a lost girl still trying to figure out who she was before you.
Firmly Planted
Every year (for the last four) I have chosen a new word to make my focus for the upcoming months. This year my word was ROOTED, and as each day passes the Lord is faithful to teach me more and more. I’m learning that it truly matters where you send your roots. Partially my roots still reside in the soil of years ago. A dehydrated and vacant place, able to offer no new growth or life.
But every day, God is eager to give you the strength to move on and grow roots somewhere lasting, somewhere beyond a world that’s passing.
Singing Your Love Song
I’m remembering your song again.
It’s the only song I know by heart and cannot seem to sing.
Week Two
What I Learned Today at Counseling
I CRAVE PROTECTION. It’s makes top three on my list, without a doubt. Right behind being a Christian and being male. I’m sure it’s important to anyone (and probably especially to women), but I’m learning how crucial it is to me.
Since a lot of my life was spent acting the adult and taking care of my family members or friends, being a protector is rooted deeply within me. I love doing it and wouldn’t know how to being any other way, but it’s exhausting when you’re the strongest, scariest person you know. It’s hard to be weak when you’re afraid there’s no one who can be strong enough for you to crumble.
STABLE TURNS STALE. We all want to “marry our best friend,” but maybe we should be pickier when giving out that title. What makes someone your best friend? It should be more than comfort, ease, stability … it should be someone stronger, smarter, wiser, and maybe even someone who disagrees… *gasp*
BE STUBBORN, DON’T SETTLE. God made me like no other. Weird in all the right ways. And as much as I believe that, I doubt that He has also made someone perfectly suited for my weird. But DT is right when she says that God is big enough to do just that. He made me & my spouse with the other in mind. It’s unbelievable but I hope it sets in. There’s someone out there that will make my heart smile once again.
DAILY PROVISION. One day there will be a man that can protect and unconditionally love all of my crazy, but in my singleness I still have the Lord. It’s not as tangible and I have my hurts there, but He is good and He is the best man for the job. In His wisdom there is silence, and in the providing there is waiting. He gives us daily manna so that we always have what we need when we need it.
I’m so grateful for counseling. It challenges my thinking and allows me to be weak. I’m am blessed to have this in my life, exactly when I needed it.
Phantom Fantasy
To the man I’ve loved while single.
To the one who’s held my heart and never my hand.
To the person that does not exist beyond the walls of my memory.
I’m dating my fantasy. Lost in the idea of what should have been. Unable to see what still can be.
Look forward, wounded dreamer. Your future is not found within your imagination.
Look up, humbled heart. Your journey is full of wonder yet.
Time to break free from your memory.
Getting Smaller
You made my world feel so big.
It was endless and full of hope. Big enough to hold dreams I could not have imagined. Something that held mysteries still to be explored.
I loved it. And I loved you for it.
You kept my eyes open and full of wonder. My feet were unsure, yet I danced with excitement for the future.
But I miss you, and the horizon is nearer, my world smaller.
My vision gets cloudy. My passion wanes. I can no longer imagine beyond what I see. Fear reigns in my dreams.
Open my eyes once again, to a new Love.
She is clothed with strength and dignity,
and she laughs without fear of the future.
Proverbs 31:25
Newfound
His love is like something I had forgotten to be possible.
But his grace and patience are like something I have never known.
When I’m Not
When I’m not,
you sit with me.
When I’m not,
there is still peace.
Cause when I’m not,
You will always be.
Image: My Lake – May 2016
Afriad to Doubt
Do you know what doubt costs? Do you know what it steals?
That little voice inside your head is slowing you.
What is it saying and what are you afraid to believe?
I think if we knew what doubt cost, we’d be afraid of that instead.